Happy Birthday to me
Today, I clock 31. I say 31 because all my life, I’ve had to — without guidance — live up to the realities of older life. But before we get to the sappy parts, a trip down memory lane…
The only memories I have of past birthdays are plagued with melancholy. There was the one where I spent what felt like the entire night crying. Why? Two years after youth service I still don’t have a job and almost everybody in my family forgot it was my birthday except for only three persons. There’s also the one where I was beaten to a pulp because it was my birthday. And finally, there’s last year when I was seriously depressed because I had put myself in a serious mess financially.
But you are here to celebrate what’s become of these pasts not reminisce on them.
Unfortunately, the memory of today is going to weigh heavy on me because as of today, I am back at my lowest. A lot happened earlier this year that had me feeling optimistic about the outcome of my life and if I am being honest, it felt good to be hopeful for once. It was the longest I have been happy in my life, that’s if I can define respite from never-ending melancholy as a state of happiness.
It’s quite sad that eight months of normalcy = the happiest times of my life.
Anyway, this year began with me desperately searching for a distraction from the tragedies of the previous years. I finally got it, I thought, when I started putting in more than required effort into my job just so I could block out reality and it seems people around me, colleagues and my boss started noticing it. I started getting commendation for job well done and I was given more job and responsibilities to take on as it is said that the reward for work well done is more work. and before long I started hoping promotion/elevation will follow. I attended several interviews but still, I was always receiving the regret mail instead of the congratulations mail….The last interview I went for the HR personnel asked me why I am always coming for all interviews in the organization…….Hmnnnn well, I was told never to give up.
I also started putting more effort in helping people in other ways as I am so broke I can’t offer anybody any sort of financial assistance. As of today by the grace and help of the Almighty Allah, I assisted a significant number of persons to get placement in one organization or the other. (I believe and still want to do more) while doing my best to put smiles on people’s faces that would later be exchanged for esteem points.
Still, this wasn’t enough. You see, a significant percentage of my esteem is fueled by a need to first have my safety needs sorted. i.e being successful (make enough money to take care of my loved ones), so no matter how much satisfaction I got from being productive, it only sustained a minute section of my worth. Anyway, I am still searching for it……..
Sigh! This article is supposed to be catharsis for me — some form of closure, but somehow I still feel nothing, which is really weird because even though I am all too familiar with this state of mind — where I am unconscious as I am conscious — I don’t think I have suffered enough to push me back into that abyss.
Intermission over!
So why do I feel like an underachiever at 31? Well, this wasn’t the plan. I wasn’t supposed to live this long. If I had my druthers, and I do, I would be long gone. But somehow, I let myself be blinded by enough optimism to make me want to live another day. It’s crazy really.
I lost a few friends to death. I miss them but can’t help envy. I wish I were as brave but I am not. I stopped giving myself ultimatums, choosing instead to mask my cowardice with the illusion of hope.
Lol, Grammarly says my passage isn’t quite clear. I know. I don’t have much of a point to make. It’s my birthday so I felt it would be nice to write something.
Anyway, Happy Birthday to me. Here’s to whatever is left of my life, and yours.
PS: I am starting afresh from the beginning all over again and I hope I get it right this time around.
